A Beginning Experience

Starting over doesn’t mean starting alone

By Karen McCubbin

Amy* knew immediately what had arrived in the mail by the return address on the envelope. Her marriage was officially over. She ripped open the letter, emotions racing through her mind like the blurring colors on a spinning pinwheel. Amy was so gripped by emotion that she could not seem to manage even the most insignificant of tasks.

Susan was a hard-working wife and mother. She thought she had it all together until one day, out of the blue, her husband of 14 years came home and announced that he wanted a divorce because he was in love with someone else. Susan was devastated. She wondered how (and if) she could ever trust a man again.

For Gus, the situation was altogether different. He was happily married to his soul mate. She was beset with many medical problems, but Gus was always there for support. She eventually underwent successful heart surgery, but then suffered a massive stroke while in the hospital. Gus was given only a few minutes to decide whether or not the doctors should perform another operation to try to repair the damage to her brain. He agonized over the decision. Ultimately, Gus decided it would be best to let her go, recalling a conversation where she had told him that she would not want to live if she was incapacitated. Suddenly Gus was alone. He was confused, afraid and filled with guilt and self-doubt.

Dianne also lost her husband suddenly. She was married for 46 years to her childhood sweetheart. He was puttering in the kitchen one day when he fell to the floor and died of a heart attack. The loneliness was overwhelming because she had lost not only her spouse, but also her mobility. Her eyesight wasn’t good, and she felt cut off from the world without her wonderful Art to take her where she needed to go.

All of these people experienced the ending of their marriage in different ways, but they wrestled with similar emotions. Each of them found help through an organization called Beginning Experience, often referred to as BE. While some joined right away, others struggled alone for years before seeking help. Confronting the Loss Beginning Experience had its inception at a marriage encounter in 1973 and has since grown into an international organization.

Southeast Minnesota has one of the most active chapters around, boasting more than 100 members. BE offers a series of classes, taken in steps toward recovery from any lost love relationship, be it through divorce, separation, or widowhood. Although it is a faith-based organization, people of all beliefs are welcomed with the same accepting, caring attitude that Sr. Josephine Stewart offered when BE began.

Classes commence with a “Coping with Grief Support Group,” a program for those beginning to grapple with their loss. Those who have moved beyond this initial grief may choose to attend a “BE Weekend,” offered twice a year at the Villa Maria in Old Frontenac. The weekend is the backbone of the BE program and the pre-requisite for all classes beyond Coping. At the BE Weekend, participants arrive as strangers adrift in their own grief. They leave as friends and confidants, empowered to begin life again in their new roles as single people. They hear messages of understanding and support, and are encouraged to close the door on the past and plan for a brighter future.

“The BE Weekend turned a negative part of my life into a positive,” says Larry. “BE gives you a network of friends to lean on, and who can lean on you in return.” Don says the BE Weekend allowed him to discover and confront things he hadn’t yet dealt with in the three years following his divorce. “It provided me with a sense of closure. The past doesn’t haunt me anymore.” He found solace in connecting with others who understood his feelings because they’d been through similar situations. For Dianne, the BE Weekend provided a feeling of closeness to God that she will never forget. It allowed her to finally just let go and cry. Gus learned about the power of forgiveness through BE. He’s been able to let go of the past and the agonizing choice he made. He was able to move beyond his self-doubt by reaching out to others and the world around him. “People who can learn to reach out to each other and beyond can lead much richer lives than they ever thought possible. When people have a vision for the world and not just themselves, they will discover that humans have more in common than differences, and that gives them strength to carry on.”

Rebuilding and Refinding Happiness The next two levels of Beginning Experience are called “Rebuilding” and “Happiness is an Inside Job.” “Rebuilding” examines past and present relationships by studying issues such as fear, denial and sexuality. The Happiness class investigates the need for happiness and the tools needed to attain it. Those who have participated in the BE Weekend are invited to activities with other BE folks. Some are events sponsored by the organization, such as a monthly Friday night social or a breakfast get-together every Saturday morning, and others are impromptu gatherings like dinner or movie outings. A Texas Hold ’Em poker group and a book club meet regularly. Larry says that’s one advantage of BE. “You don’t just go to the classes and boom, you’re done. It’s an ongoing opportunity to grow by continuing to participate in activities that you can be a part of for as long as you like.” One past participant raved, “They say that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. What a giant leap Beginning Experience has been for me.”

*Some names have been changed.