Cyber Sex Addiction May Be In Your Marriage

The Internet has become the newest, most rapidly growing form of sexual acting out for many sex addicts. It fills a need for "more, easier and better." For the cybersex addict, increasing amounts of time are spent "surfing," downloading, creating files, masturbating, reading information posted on sexual bulletin boards, exchanging sexual information live with others in sexual chat rooms or via computer cameras, or directing their own live sex shows on interactive sites -- in short, looking for what's new, what's better than last time. The Internet just happens to provide many of the things sex addicts seek, all in one place: isolation, secrecy, fantasy material, endless variety, around-the-clock availability, instant accessibility and a rapid means of returning, low or no cost.

Sex addicts on the Internet often experience a rapid progression of their addiction. The new sexual thrills lead to spending huge amounts of time, moving more quickly into more extreme behaviors, taking greater risks, and getting caught more frequently. Thus, internet sex has been referred to as the "crack cocaine" of sex addiction. Sexual addiction is extremely destructive, both to the individual and to the marriage partner. The most difficult marital problems today are Internet pornography adultery, and sexual fantasy. Most women feel that pornography is akin to adultery. They feel that this fantasy behavior threatens the marriage and their self esteem. Most feel betrayed, defiled and abused in the same way that one might feel after an affair. Most women report a loss of security in their relationship and believe that they have been living a lie. They feel that the future of the marriage is at risk, and many want to leave the marriage. Sexual addiction can happen to both men and women. The beginnings of most sexual addictions are formed long before adulthood, so the addictions are carried into marriage. The sexual addict is a person who tries to use sex to fill non-sexual needs. Sex becomes not an expression of love in a mature relationship, but rather a compulsive (and often highly ritualized) response to the emotional stresses of life.

Sexual addiction, like most other addictions, is a way of running away from life, even for a moment. It is a vehicle for stress relief. But since it does not actually solve any problems or ease emotional pain, the original problems are still there and now the addiction has created even more problems. If you are in relationship with someone you think is sexually addicted, your efforts to help may be actually adding to the problem. Sex addicts usually choose relationships with partners who unconsciously fit right into the addictive patterns. For example, typically the sex addict keeps on returning again and again to the sexually addictive behaviors and the partner accepts what is going on, or overlooks clues that would suggest something is wrong, or threatens to leave but doesn't (or leaves and returns when the addict promises to change, only to learn later the addict did not stop), or takes responsibility for trying to control the addict's behavior. None of these strategies work, and can actually add to the problem. Without professional help, things get worse. Since the disease of sexual addiction is like any addiction, it gets more timeconsuming and costly as time goes by. Often, the sexual addict will enter a period of extreme remorse, beg for forgiveness, and promise never to act out again. His promises at the time are probably sincere and most co-addicts want to believe the words. A honeymoon period may follow, including intense sexual activity between the two people. Since, for the coaddict, sex is often a sign of love, she may be lulled into believing everything is really all right, offer forgiveness and bind up her wounded spirit and go on. She is later shattered to discover the unaccounted for time and secrecy has returned.

For more information go to www.sexcounslors.org.