Awakening The Feminine

As a gay man, I think a lot about the masculine and feminine traits that reside in all of us.

Eastern philosophies tell us that everything in the universe, including us, is composed of two forces: the “ying” representing the feminine or receptive, and the “yang” designating the masculine or active force. In the West, Swiss psychologist Carl Jung taught that men have a feminine side or “anima” and women have a masculine side or “animus.” Psychologically healthy males use their masculinity to support, nurture, and express the feminine, and psychologically healthy females support their masculine activities through their femininity. Jung further taught that a full life requires holding the tension between these opposites.

I’ve known I am gay for as long as I can remember, but being gay was something I was not willing to accept about myself. To protect myself and my persona, I banished the feminine aspects of myself such as intuition, creativity, and connection to the dark basement of my subconscious, and I was miserable. It was not until midlife, and my subsequent coming out, that I began to embrace my anima; I’ve never been happier or more fulfilled. Female characters (anima figures) fill my dreams, and now I am able to be vulnerable, feel and express empathy, pay attention to my intuition, and make time to paint and write. One of my favorite Jungian writers is Robert A. Johnson. In his book Femininity Lost and Regained, Johnson shows through mythology how the West has used its male energy to suppress and control the feminine, and how we pay for it. Reading the headlines in today’s paper, I cannot help but concur: we have not given the feminine the respect and recognition she deserves. Don’t get me wrong. We have made some strides in gender equality (although we have a way to go), but on a psychological and spiritual level we are starving for feminine energy. Consider:

WORLD EVENTS. Watch the six o’clock news. War, famine, environmental crisis, and spiritual hunger are the issues of the day. All illustrate the lost feminine.

CONNECTION. At no time have we been so disconnected. Technologically, a multitude of gadgets allows us to stay in touch 24-7. At the same time, we are fast losing our ability to truly connect with each other. Our lives are too full; we are simply too busy to make time to be with one another. And even if we make the time for connection, we aren’t there. Our minds are elsewhere. Studies show that Americans feel they don’t have time to socialize with friends, yet the average American spends three to four hours a day in front of a television. Robert D. Putnam, Harvard professor and political scientist and author of Bowling Alone, writes, “Many Americans would rather watch Friends than have friends.”

COMMUNICATION STYLE. The old hierarchical ways of communicating in the workplace are no longer effective. As baby boomers age and retire, corporate America is experiencing a shortage of talent. Only those organizations that recruit and retain the brightest talent will thrive, much less survive. Workers now seek managers who are empathetic and who care holistically about their lives. Workers especially younger workers are demanding a more feminine style of communication and management. Smart companies are meeting their call and training managers how to be more empathetic. These are three examples, but there are many more. Robert Johnson writes, “The loss of feminine energy, with its warm vitality, is not difficult to document. It is evident in our culture’s mythic traditions, in our linguistic poverty, in our lack of feeling for human relationships, and finally in our hunger for meaning.” The feminine is screaming to be heard, and we can no longer afford to turn a deaf ear. It’s time to embrace our muse and make room for the feminine. It’s time to pay rapt attention to how we can balance masculine and feminine energies in our lives. While there’s no end of ways to embrace the feminine, I have found four strategies particularly helpful:

BALANCE CONNECTION WITH ACHIEVEMENT. Our culture values achievement over connection, and yet it’s connection that gives life juice. At the end of our days, it’s relationships, rather than results, that define us. Make time for connection, and be present when you do.

Presence is the calling card of all great communicators. Instead of focusing on our next thought or how others perceive us, we want to focus on the other person in that moment, without judging the person or his or her message. When we do this, others feel seen, heard, and understood. We are present, and we connect.

PUT BEING INTO DOING. At any given time, we are in one of two states: we are either present or on auto pilot. A lot has been written recently about being present, but what does it really mean? We know we are present when we are in the present and not thinking about the future and past. We know we are present when our heads, hearts, and guts are united in the moment, and time slows down or stops altogether. We know we are present when we feel energized and alive, yet we also feel centered and calm. And finally, we know we are present when we aren’t fearful. When we bring “being” to “doing,” the feminine supports the masculine.