Coping Belonging (Part 2)

Last month’s article explored some aspects of belonging. This month highlights some other facets of the subject not covered then. Let’s look at a particular example of what an intense desire for belonging can do to someone.

Betsy grew up in a family which provided her with life’s necessities but denied her any emotional closeness with her parents or other family members. In short, they were all distant with each other. Betsy never had approval or support. Although she had no idea this was anything but normal, she always had a vague sense of something missing, an emptiness. Because of this situation, she also did not really learn how to be easy and friendly with others. Therefore, she had few friends growing up, and usually felt on the outside looking in when with other people.

She felt that people talked to each other, but rarely to her. When she tried to connect with another person, it didn’t seem to work, and she was usually frustrated and lonely. She became a joiner. Joined all the school clubs she could and attended as many scheduled meetings as possible. At least, that gave her something to talk about with other members of the group .Personal connections still didn’t happen, but she achieved a superficial social personality.

No one realized that Betsy, for all her activity, was dying inside from loneliness. Outside of her club meetings, she had little or no social life. Her worth seemed to be tied up with what she could do for others, not for who she was. What were the consequences? She became an easy target for anyone who could see the emptiness inside her. Specifically, she was so needy that she believed anything anyone told her. She was led into numerous disastrous relationships, including several abusive marriages.. Each time she was sure she had reached what she had longed for a safe harbor.

Each time she was mistaken. Unfortunately, she remained unaware of what was wrong with her, and she never obtained the help that would have changed her life. Without that help, Betsy may continue on the same destructive path until a major crisis occurs and she is forced to face herself.

If you see yourself in Betsy’s story, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from an unbiased person you are sure you can trust. If you are not like Betsy, odds are you know someone who is. Let her know it can be better. Resources for assistance include anyone who does not have a hidden agenda, such as a loving, concerned relative, a spiritual advisor who has had training in these type of cases, or a mental health professional. Your family doctor can guide you in finding a qualified practitioner.

Another good source is a friend or neighbor who has had a good counseling experience. Keep on trying; the first attempt may not work well.

NOTE: You may contact Joan Clark by telephone (843-440-8318), email ( or Yahoo Instant Message (kalark3000) for distance communication, counseling or coaching.