COLUMN: In the Gayborhood Into Adulthood, Out of the Closet Home-O-Phobia, Part II

Into Adulthood, Out of the Closet Home-O-Phobia, Part II By Melissa Price

In our last issue, Melissa’s “Home-O-Phobia, Part I” discussed how parents can come to terms with and support their teens who have come out. For Part II, she spoke with author and counselor Kathy Belge about how young adults and their parents can deal with the same issues.

Young adulthood. Is it that nebulous time in life when we are no longer children, but we’re not exactly adults either? Or, is it that time when parents learn to transition out of their children’s childhoods?

Regardless, young adulthood is a rite of passage on the road to discovering our true identities in the world; the one time in our lives when we have the freedom to ’try on’ adulthood to see how it feels, to ask the fundamental question ’Who am I?’ While young adults are making that transition, they still seek approval from those adults who matter most, namely their parents.

So, what happens when the almost-adult child you sent away to college, or who moved out and got a job and an apartment, comes home with the unexpected news that she or he is gay? What goes through your mind depends on many factors that range from religious views to your own social perceptions about who and what gay people are. But in this instance, it’s your young adult child. Let’s peek into both the parents’ and child’s sides of this equation.

Resources for young gay or questioning adults and their families have never been so abundant. Yet why is it that the underlying issues that have plagued gays and their families for generations are still, for the most part, the same?

According to Kathy Belge, former Director and Counselor for the Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center in Portland, Oregon, (and an author and columnist for Curve magazine and About.com), “The biggest fear for young adults coming out is how their families will react. They want acceptance and don’t want to disappoint them.” For instance, Michele* came out to her parents when she returned home from a year abroad. She made her announcement before her suitcase hit the living room floor. She knew they’d be so happy to see her that it might soften the blow.

Belge says that it’s not uncommon for parents who are comfortable having gay friends to ’flip out’ when their own children come out. Once a child comes out, she advises parents to talk about it and not make the common mistake of never mentioning it again. “The important thing to remember is that the kid in question is still the same person as they were before you knew they were gay, and they want and need you, their parent, to show interest in their life.”

Certainly parents will have a reaction to the news, whether they ’knew all along,’ are fine with it, or are not fine with it. But even those parents who are accepting of the news are often at a loss about where to turn when their child comes out.

Belge urges young adults to arm themselves with literature to help parents understand and communicate better. She also recommends that they and their family speak with a gay-friendly clergyman. It might seem far-fetched, but almost every major religion has a gay affiliation or congregation, making it easier to speak with clergy who share the same religious values and social upbringing as their mainstream church or synagogue; and they have the tools to help.

She cautions adult children that their parents may be shocked, and will therefore need time to process all of this. “Typically, parental reactions may involve grieving the loss of who they thought their child was.” They may also not quite grasp how the situation can ultimately play out. When Marla,* the eldest of four children, came out to her mom Julie,* Julie’s first reaction was, “But I wanted grandchildren!” As it turned out, of Julie’s four children, it was her two gay daughters who had kids, while their only straight sister chose not to have any.

An advantage that younger gay folk presently enjoy that was not available to the generations before them, is the openness of gay characters and performers in the media. Whether it is a character in a TV show (Will and Grace, Ellen Degeneres), a film actress (Jodi Foster), or famous musician (Melissa Etheridge or Sir Elton John), Belge says, “It is absolutely helpful to see images of yourself reflected in the media.” While that image may not be someone you totally identify with, the fact that they are openly gay definitely has an impact. Simply put, a young gay closeted person needs to see other gay people living their lives plain and simple. Having gay characters in the media makes an otherwise fearful or closeted person say to him or herself, “Well, if someone like Jodi Foster can risk all she has to be honest about who she is then maybe I can too.”

Recently, some professional sports figures have battled widespread homophobia to come out, but many remain in the closet, thereby depriving all people of seeing yet another type of role model. But, for the first time in history, gay people have role models. And that’s not only important for self esteem, but for parents and straight people to see that gay people are just people, who happen to be gay. General audiences don’t find Ellen Degeneres funny because she’s gay; they find her funny because she’s a comedienne.