WE two - What sort of couple are you?

Me, you and we
It's vital to consider the life you create together

Although you may not realize it, the
relationship that you have with your
partner is a threesome. There's you,
there's him (or her), and there's us.
Us is your shared life, the couple
that you create and continue to create
- together.

Some people have a hard time experiencing
us at all. Their fundamental
orientation is individual. Who is here?
I am, and you are. The notion that
together we make an us - an us with
distinct characteristics and own way of
doing things - is alien to those whose
vantage point is always individual.
Regardless of whether by temperament
you are an I person or a we
person, if you have a partner, then,
to one degree or another, you are a
couple. You share a history, in which,
for example, we fell in love; we had a
wedding and got married; we bought
a house; we had children and raised
them; we went through a lot together.
Couples range from barely we at
all to hardly anything else but we.

The barely we at all couples are
individuals first and last. They have
strong individual interests and pursue
those interests separately. They have
few, if any, couple friends and prefer
to socialize separately, rather than
together. When these partners are
together, which tends to be seldom,
they emphasize how they are different
from each other. They tend to compete
rather than cooperate and frequently
argue. They almost never use the pronoun
we.

At the other extreme are couples
that are almost all we and very little
I and you. They are almost always
together. They have few, if any, separate
friends and interests. They tend to
emphasize similarities and suppress
differences. They don't like conflict.
They cooperate easily and seem never
to disagree. Their relationship is likely
to be solid but dull. What they don't
have is two strong individuals with
lives that are separate enough to add
interest and spark to the relationship
when they are together.

The range, then, is from two individuals
who are so separate and
disconnected from each other as to
be basically strangers, to a couple
so completely we that finding any
significant differences between them
would be practically impossible.
Within the range defined by these
two couple extremes, two other types
stand out. Let's call them the fractured
couple and the strong couple.

The fractured couple has one
partner who wants separateness and
distance and one partner who wants
closeness and togetherness. Theirs
is a this or that relationship, rather
than a this and that one. The couple has
staked out positions - separate versus together
- that, over time, have become increasingly
rigid in defense against each partner's
efforts to force the other to change. The
tragedy is that the I position and the we
position each have something valuable to
offer, if only each partner would be willing to
learn from the other.

The strong couple has learned how to combine
separate and together in one growing, changing
and solid relationship. Theirs is a relationship
that is both interesting and secure. The relationship
is interesting because each person has
his or her separate life that is shared with the
other. It is safe because both people care deeply
about what they have developed together. This
couple succeeds because, over time, they have
learned how to be we as well as I and you.
Who is the we that you and your partner
have created together? If the couple that you
are was an actual person, would you find
that person interesting or dull? Good to be with
or best to avoid? What would be the strengths
of that person and the weaknesses? Would you
characterize that person as cooperative or
combative? Expanding and growing or stuck?
Warm or cold? Open and generous or closed
and ungenerous?

Over time, you and your partner have created
a we that in some ways you like and some
ways you don't. Consider exploring the nature of
that we, with your partner.

Use questions like these to explore how you
each view the strengths and weaknesses of the
relationship as well as how it could be improved.
Your exploration will almost certainly succeed
best if you talk about we and us rather than
I and you.