Stopping the Cycle

By Linda Hersey

Elaine Baker’s first brush with domestic abuse occurred when she was just 15 years old.  She dated an older boy at high school who grew increasingly possessive, until he physically tried to restrain her grabbing, shoving and leaving ugly bruises on her arms. “I knew it was wrong,” said Baker, today a successful Portland businesswoman who used a pseudonym to tell her story.  “He never used a closed fist, but he was physically and verbally abusive.”

The incident happened 30 years ago. Baker never forgot it.  “I realized then that I would never let anything like that happen to me again,” she said. But it did. Baker, at mid-life, had a second, unexpected brush with domestic violence. This time, the blows were delivered by her husband of 16 years, after a tense argument over money.  Baker took immediate steps to separate from her husband. Today, she is in the process of a divorce. Her experience is disturbingly too common in Maine and across the United States, according to domestic violence prevention advocates.

In Maine, domestic violence takes a terrible toll:

Domestic assaults reported to police occur every 96 minutes. Almost a third of American women are estimated to suffer physical or sexual abuse by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.

Nearly half of the homicides in Maine during the past 20 years have been related to domestic violence.

About 95 percent of the female inmates in Maine’s prisons and jails were victims themselves of physical or sexual violence.

The Attorney General estimates that domestic violence costs Maine about $1.3 billion yearly. Its impact extends to health care costs, substance abuse treatment, law enforcement, family intervention services and the courts.  “Research shows that without intervention the incidents of abuse often become more violent and frequent,” according to the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence.  “In most situations, the pattern of power and control continues to persist and becomes more dangerous.”

Homicides caused by domestic violence have spiked this year. More than half of the 24 homicides reported from January to August were caused by domestic violence, according to Family Crisis Services.  “We’re on track for a record-breaking year,” said Lois Galgay Reckitt, executive director of Family Crisis Services, which offers free services to victims of domestic violence.  “Call our hot line. Call somebody and talk to them whether you’re the victim or know someone who is being abused,” Reckitt says. “Don’t just say to someone, ’Why don’t you leave?’ Leaving is the most dangerous time. It is when the most homicides occur.”

Young or old, rich or poor domestic violence knows no boundaries. It extends across all demographics. Although both men and women are victims of domestic violence, women are the primary targets. They account for 85 percent of victims, according to the U.S. Bureau of Justice.

Making the break

Baker is more fortunate than many other women. She was able to leave without further threat or more serious harm when tensions in her marriage reached the breaking point.  Domestic abuse prevention advocates will help victims stay safe, as they try to leave a violent relationship.

Women often choose to stay with partners for lack of self-esteem or because they are financially dependent on them. They may be too frightened to go and fear the consequences.  Baker said her concerns for her two teenage children prompted her to take steps to end the marriage. “I did not want my children to think that this was the way relationships are supposed to be,” said Baker, noting that her husband would break or throw objects when he was angry with her. He also made humiliating and demeaning comments about her and the children, she said.  Women may leave and return to the abuser several times before permanently ending the relationship.

Baker said she and her husband disagreed on spending and how they were managing bills at their business. She also was tending to ailing parents, both diagnosed with terminal illnesses. Her husband worked day and night at their company.  “I kept thinking that this is what my mother would want for me to do,” said Baker, after he shoved and punched her.

Domestic assault is a crime. Baker asked a close friend to photograph her bruises, but she did not report the incident to police. She hired a divorce lawyer in the weeks after the incident occurred. 

Baker said her husband has not threatened violence against her since they separated. “But he has not taken ownership for what he did either,” Baker added.

ENDING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

“Does your partner put you down or call you names? Does your partner threaten or intimidate you, physically or verbally? Does your partner ever force you to have sex when you don’t want to?”

Family Crisis Services offers a checklist of questions that help people understand whether they are in an abusive relationship. Once victims can recognize abuse, they can take steps to stop it and ensure their safety and the safety of their children, advocates say.

Making contact with an agency that supports victims of domestic violence is a start. Advocates can help victims obtain protection-from-abuse orders against an intimate partner.  They also direct victims to shelters and other services.  Nonprofit agencies, such as Family Crisis Services, help victims put together a safety plan for leaving relationships where there is violence or the threat of violence.